I Love a Boy
by NCISBALTOFAN
Summary: (Human AU) (POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING) Dark!fic. Castiel Novak loves a boy named Dean. But Dean just doesn't love him back and Castiel just can't seem to understand why...?


**A/N: I've actually wanted to do this one for awhile. Since I watched a YouTube video with the song, it inspired this. Hope you guys enjoy!**

ONESHOT

"**I love a boy named Jesse, but Jesse doesn't love me back…he says he's straight and all that stuff is only in my mind." –Ivri Lider**

"_Castiel," _Young eight year old Castiel Novak heard his mother's voice from downstairs. _"Dinner time come now!"_

Castiel looked up from playing with his toys and smiled at the boy across from him.

"You should stay for dinner this time," Castiel smiled. "My mom acts like she doesn't like you, but I think she does. She just doesn't know you like I do."

The eight year old green eyed brown haired boy with a mess of freckles on his cheeks across from him smiled back and chuckled as he watched Castiel build a tower out of blocks, only to have it come tumbling down again.

"I think I should go for now," the boy said. "Your mom doesn't like me. We both know that."

"She'll like you one day Dean," Castiel smiled and stared into the boy's, Dean's, eyes. "I'm sure of it."

"_Castiel! Now!" _Castiel's mother yelled from downstairs, sounding more and more annoyed.

"I'd better go," Dean stood and popped the collar on his shirt before hugging Castiel. "I'll see you tomorrow Cas."

Castiel liked the nickname that Dean had given him. He felt heaviness settle in his chest after Dean ran out the bedroom door and downstairs and out of the house. Castiel always felt so alone, so vulnerable every time Dean left.

"Castiel," Castiel's mother walked upstairs, a beast of a woman she was. Day old makeup crusted on her eyes, a cigarette in her hand and her eyes full of ice and hate. "I told you to get your ass downstairs! Get it down there now! If your father was here he'd surely beat your punk ass!"

Castiel Novak was eight years old. He should be playing with his friends, his friends like Dean. He should be anything, but the abused freak that he supposedly was. He didn't think he was a freak, at least he didn't think he did. His mother always called him a "punk ass freak" so he supposed he was a bit of a freak. That's why he liked Dean. Dean didn't think he was a freak. Dean loved him. Dean cared about him. Dean was his salvation in his shitty little life.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

Castiel Novak was now sixteen years old. He loathed high school. As if his home life wasn't bad enough he had the bullies, the assholes at school to deal with. School was just another drop in the cesspool of an ocean he called his life.

At least he had Dean to help him through it all.

They sat in class. They amazingly had every class together. Dean called it a nice coincidence, Castiel called it fate. The teachers didn't call on Dean, they always called on Castiel. Dean never did his work; the teachers didn't seem to care. Castiel guessed that they probably thought Dean didn't care anyway, which he didn't, and just had given up on him.

"C'mon Cas you know the answer," Dean would say to him in almost every class. "Raise your damn hand dude. They'll call on you. They won't judge you man."

"Yes they will," Castiel would whisper back and look all around him. "They're all judging me. They know I'm a freak."

Castiel stared into Dean's green eyes which sparkled in the sunlight shining through the classroom windows. His freckles were starting to disappear now that he'd grown older. Dean was beginning to look like a real man. Meanwhile Castiel still felt like a baby whenever Dean was around.

"Show em what you really are then cuz a freak is not what it is." Dean sighed and leaned back in his chair.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

Castiel Novak was now eighteen years old. He was a senior in high school and about to end his life.

"Don't do this Cas," Dean was in the room with him. Dean was sitting on his desk chair and looking over at Castiel who had a razor blade in one hand and a glass of beer in the other. "You've got so much to live for Cas."

"Don't tell me what to do Dean!" Castiel yelled and chugged the beer down, his eyes had dark circles under them. "I've lived a shitty ass life! I'm done! I'm through!"

"You're just mad because you finally told me," Dean sighed. "And I didn't reciprocate."

"Nobody loves me!" Castiel cried out. "I told you Dean! I'm not lovable! I'm a freak! A goddamn freak Dean!"

"Cas," Dean walked closer and sat on the edge of Castiel's bed. "You need help. You need help I can't provide anymore. I can't be your ear forever man, you gotta grow up and man up sometime and get real help."

"I don't want help!" Castiel screamed at Dean. "I don't need it! I have you! You love me! You care! Admit it! Y-You love me Dean!"

"I'm not what you need Cas," Dean stared into Castiel's tired blue eyes. "You need real help."

"Stop saying that!" Castiel glared at Dean and he shakily took the razor and sliced down hard. The blood trickled and Castiel felt lightheaded.

"_You need help," _he heard Dean say; Dean was getting fuzzy and unclear. "_I can't help you anymore Castiel…"_

Castiel then blacked out on his bed.

-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-

Castiel Novak was now twenty two years old and in an institution being treated for depression and manic behavior. He had his own room, three square meals a day, and he was away from his abusive nasty mother. That was a perk. He didn't know who was paying for all this. Probably Dean. Dean who loved him, he was paying for all this.

"Visitor Castiel." Castiel didn't even look up at the voice. He looked up only when he smelled the familiar scent of Dean's leather jacket. Dean stood across from him on his bed and stared at him. Castiel was ashamed for Dean to see him like this.

"Fine job you did back there," Dean scoffed. "You could've killed yourself."

"That was my intent…" Castiel mumbled.

"I care you know," Dean said. "But you need to let go…I can't protect you forever Castiel."

"Call me Cas," Castiel said desperately. "I like it when you call me Cas."

"Not anymore Castiel," Dean said, putting his hand in the pockets of his leather jacket. His green eyes looked a lot less green that before and he looked paler. "You need to let go."

"I'm almost clean Dean," Castiel said. "You're proud of me right? I'm almost clean?"

"I'm very proud Castiel," Dean nodded. "Today you will finally let go."

"I can't I'm sorry," Castiel said. "I love you Dean."

"You don't love me Castiel," Dean said. "I make you comfortable. I provided an escape from your life. You don't need me anymore and I certainly don't love you."

"D-Dean…" Castiel was on the verge of crying. "I can't let you go. I won't."

"Castiel," Dean said. "You're strong. You can do this. You can let me go."

Castiel cried for a few moments and then Dean stepped forward and kneeled in front of him. Dean's color was practically gone.

"It was only ever in your head to begin with…" Dean said before standing back up and smiling. He slowly faded away into nothingness. A nurse walked into Castiel's room.

"You still seeing that brown haired man Mr. Novak," the nurse asked. "I thought I told you he wasn't real?"

"I know," Castiel said with a shaky breath. "I know he's not real…it's just hard to let go."

"That it is Mr. Novak." The nurse smiled and changed Castiel's pills before walking off and leaving him alone. It was the first time in a long time he hadn't been with Dean.

**Read and Reviews are appreciated!**

**Hope you all enjoyed my take on that song and if you wanna see the video that inspired this just look up: Jesse Dean/Castiel or something along those lines and you'll find it. **

**Anyway this was a little different and I hope you all enjoyed it!**


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